By Hillary Siebels
Two years ago, I was completely oblivious to the existence of Arkitekt. However, on an evening where I put myself in a vulnerable situation where I knew no one, I had the opportunity to meet Trinity and hear a little bit about her work. I was drawn to learn more. So honestly, having no idea what I was getting involved in, I joined a group, and this is my story, my journey.
I have always been a seeker and interested in personal and spiritual growth. In the four years leading up to my involvement in Arkitekt, I can say that I had abandoned that pursuit, and I was in total survival mode.
I experienced a myriad of trauma. I lost my dog to hypothermia after he was lost in the woods for three days in January. I had to sell my adored home due to a ballooned mortgage and expanding financial debt. I chose to have a full hysterectomy and forfeited my right to bear children due to a genetic mutation. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 35, and my partner of four years abandoned me during my cancer treatment process. I had to find somewhere to live and move while still going through chemo and radiation. I made the hard choice to leave a job I loved, but that didn’t offer any opportunities for growth. I created my own business, only to discover that it wasn’t financially able to support me. I found a new job that was financially secure but created an incredible amount of stress and anxiety.
By the time I found Arkitekt (or more realistically it found me), I was exhausted, overwhelmed, beaten down, angry, scared, feeling like a failure, and completely alone. It was at that first gathering that I received my first nugget of wisdom... I AM NOT ALONE!
My First Gathering
The first gathering came with a lot of vulnerability and nervousness. But our facilitators created a warm and welcoming energy and offered a beautiful space for us to each feel safe and protected. Listening to all the other women share their stories it was as if a light came on inside me.
Up until the story-sharing part of the gathering, I kept thinking to myself, “What am I doing wrong? How is it that everyone else seems to have their shit together and I am the only one who is struggling through life? There must be something wrong with me.” It was in their raw and real stories where compassion started to creep in. Finding compassion for all of the women in my group was easy. I could empathize with them and feel their pain and heartache. But I am talking about compassion creeping in for myself. A foreign concept to me. That night a spark was ignited, and I have tried to fan it every day since.
The Curriculum and Gatherings
The curriculum is where my next nuggets of wisdom began to transpire. My mind tends to think in analogies, so the materials offered an incredible platform for understanding the “deconstruction, barn-burning, reconstruction” I was experiencing in my life. I loved how the material allowed flexibility for where I was in that moment. Meaning, if I had the mental space and strength I would unpack and journal about the readings and how they related to where I was in that moment. But honestly, what I appreciated about the work is that if I was having a bad week or month and showed up to the gathering after not having read a thing, my sisters would hold space for me to release my truth. I found strength while gaining insight and wisdom from them and their stories.
From the first gathering where I picked my word for the year among strangers, to a year and a half later at the last gathering, there was a fundamental shift in myself.
I sat in the yoga shack and shed tears of joy, compassion and growth as we, now sisters, tied a red kalava string around each other’s wrists in a symbolic gesture of pure love, connection, unity and support. It was a shift that allowed me to understand and KNOW that I was not alone, that I was worthy of love and belonging, that I had the power to change my life and I was going to be heard and held by my sisters moving forward.
Facilitating a Group
After completing the year and a half material and seeing the incredible impact it had on my life, I knew that I wanted to be able to hold space for other women to learn and find growth in themselves as I had. So, I met with a few of the core team and expressed my interest in facilitating a group. I would be a liar to say that it didn’t make me nervous about doing this... my experience had been so impactful, my group had bonded so well, would it be the same??? Did I even have the time to devote another year and a half to this??? What if it didn’t go well??? And a billion other what-if’s zoomed through my mind. But my answer kept coming back to this. This work was very impactful to my life, and I got out exactly what I needed from it. It was not my responsibility to “recreate” my experience for other women, but instead to hold space for them to find what they needed from their experience. So, I partnered with another woman who wanted to do the same, and we have begun this journey with eight other beautiful souls again. It has been incredible to realize how much I have grown and transformed in the last few years; however, the material is as relevant and insightful as it was the first time I read it.
In Gratitude
Arkitekt and my group of sisters held the space and provided me the support for me to reconstruct my life after my barn had burned during cancer and life traumas.
And now, as I begin the deconstruction process with a new group of women, I stand looking at this life/new barn I have built. I am grateful for the safety and comfort it has provided me the last few years. Because of the work I have done and with the support and strength of these new women in my life, I can now stand in front of my barn with a tank of gas in one hand and a lit match in the other and smile in gratitude and optimism and KNOW, that when my barn burns again, I am not alone. I have the strength and support within myself and given by others to reconstruct another beautiful barn with an even stronger foundation.